


human

by valiantlybold



Series: to be loved [1]
Category: The Witcher (TV)
Genre: Eldritch, M/M, Non-Human Jaskier | Dandelion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-05
Updated: 2020-03-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:29:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23030968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valiantlybold/pseuds/valiantlybold
Summary: He just wanted to be human.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg
Series: to be loved [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1659100
Comments: 34
Kudos: 525





	human

**Author's Note:**

> complete word vomit, no planning, no editing, i die on this hill

Jaskier is human

_Jaskier is human._

Jaskier.

_Is._

**_**Human.** _ **

He is. He really is.

His skin just never fit right, and his nails were too blunt and short and _few (he should have more nails, there should be more of them, and he misses them)._ His body is small, so small, _too small._ Everything inside him feels like it should be bigger, like he’s going to spill out of his too-tight-skin that has been stretched across his bones. His bones hurt as though he wants to grow larger, large enough to keep all of him in, but it can’t quite grow any more than it already has, so instead he feels like a bag that’s been overfilled, like he’s about to burst at the seams.

And when he does burst, when trips and falls and scrapes his knee, or gets hit in the nose and gets a nosebleed, or anything at all, when he bleeds it isn’t blood that comes out; it’s something black and gooey and it smells like rot. His mother tells him to _never_ let anyone see him bleed, and when he asks why, she doesn’t tell him, but he trusts her anyway and decides he will never let anyone see.

He plays melodies that he can’t explain; songs he feels like he’s heard before but can never remember where, and people don’t seem to like those songs, so he plays other songs. Normal songs. Songs written by other people. He tries to write normal songs, and people seem to like those, so he decides to never let anyone hear.

Then he meets a Witcher and his name is Geralt, and he _shines_ in Jaskier’s eyes. He’s so beautiful, it feels like the blackness inside Jaskier turns as red as it is supposed to be.

Jaskier knows he is human, but that he is a strange human; his mother always told him never to tell anyone of his strangeness, and he never has, but when he meets Geralt, he is afraid that Geralt will _know,_ because Witchers know monsters, don’t they? If Jaskier is human but not human, then he must be a monster, right?

But Geralt says nothing of it. Treats him just like he treats any other human, which is _like they’re a pest,_ but Jaskier doesn’t mind, because Geralt is the first person who isn’t in some way put off by Jaskier; on some deeper level, the other people _know_ Jaskier isn’t right, but Geralt doesn’t seem to know, he never acts like all the other people do.

When they are captured by elves, the elves don’t want to come close to Jaskier. They spit on Geralt but refuse to look at Jaskier, as though he were the sun and looking too hard at him makes their eyes burn.

And time passes and nothing really changes; he feels right when he is with Geralt, even if he knows that in some way he _isn’t right_ because he isn’t human.

Whenever Geralt goes on hunts, Jaskier never comes with him, even though he wants to, because he’s run into monsters before and they never react to him in the way that they should; they shouldn’t be afraid of him, he should be afraid of them, they should attack him and rip him to pieces and kill him; but instead they cower away from him and whimper for mercy and run for their lives as though _he_ is the monster.

So he never goes with Geralt on hunts, because he doesn’t want Geralt to know.

Geralt is too precious to Jaskier’s strange, inhuman self and Jaskier doesn’t want to chase him away, doesn’t want Geralt to think he is a monster.

And it’s fine. It’s very fine. It’s normal and okay, and Jaskier is okay and he is _human,_ he is _very human_ when he is with Geralt.

Yennefer makes Jaskier’s skin itch and he doesn’t know why; there’s something about her, something like a power that hovers around her, and it tugs at Jaskier’s guts, and makes him feel like he’s going to spill out of his skin like he used to feel when he was younger.

And the tugging at Jaskier’s guts gets so much worse when she and Geralt are together, but that never lasts long thankfully; they always go their separate ways and _Geralt stays with Jaskier always,_ so it’s okay, his time with Yennefer is alright because he stays with Jaskier.

It happens over and over, but Jaskier still doesn’t mind; he controls the gurgling void of darkness inside him and his body still feels like it’s about to split open now and then, but he controls that too, and his bones still ache but he minds it less these days, so life goes on and on and on.

Then they’re in a tavern on a mountain with a man named Borch and his two bodyguards, and Borch acts _weird,_ he doesn’t look at Jaskier and never speaks directly to Jaskier but he doesn’t seem to dislike Jaskier, he seems _afraid,_ and Jaskier can _smell_ chaos on him, just like he can smell it on Yennefer when she’s around, it’s that same pressing, tugging power, and he knows that Borch isn’t human either; doesn’t know what he is, but he isn’t human, but he isn’t like Jaskier either, he is something else entirely.

So much happens and Jaskier can barely remember any of it, because with both Yennefer and Borch there, the tugging on his guts becomes _so much_ and the ache in his bones becomes _so much_ and the tightness of his skin becomes _so much_.

And then

And then

And then

And then they’re standing on the mountain and Geralt is yelling at him, and for the first time he’s looking at Jaskier like he isn’t human, like he is less than human, like he is in the way and an inconvenience, and _it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts so much, so much, so much, more than anything has ever hurt Jaskier before, and he knows he promised his mother and he knows he promised himself, but his skin splits and he bleeds black and that tells everyone everything they need to know._

The void pours out of him, pure chaos spills from his broken skin, and he no longer hurts at all, and this feels right, _he finally feels right, this is right, this is how it’s supposed to be._ He wails with pain and not-pain and he can feel eyes on him, and he looks back at them with a thousand eyes of his own, and he finally has enough limbs and enough fingers and enough nails, and his body is big enough and _this is right._

He writhes on the rocks, a mess of limbs made of the void, spilling noxious mist and smoke, a thousand hands with a thousand fingers, and a thousand eyes staring at the humans and the dragon and the Witcher and the sorceress.

_They fear him, and he cries out because he never wanted to be feared, he just wanted to be loved despite what he is, but they all look at him with so much fear, and it aches inside him._

His limbs and mist twist around each other, making shapes, spreading out like wings, a storm forming as his wings flap, thunder filling the air and chaos crackling in the lightning as he flies away.

He just wanted to be human.


End file.
